The years of wanting
So I’m in my twenties. I sort of look the same as I did most of high school but my appreciation for life and its challenges has well, matured. My teen years consisted of unrestricted, uncontainable, inspired , fire-filled dreams. And my twenties have been…blank. Every year means that I’m closer to having to prove Im more than dreamer. It’s difficult to have any sort of consistancy because with every year your appreciation of limits mature. Since entering my twenties I have had this feeling of wanting something but not really being able to pin point what it is, wanting something but not really knowing what it requires of me. Wanting. I Think that actually sums up your twenties. These are the years of wanting. Now I’m still in the first half of my twenties so this might be a premature declaration but so far this description is fitting. If i had one wish, I would wish that God could give me a quick glimpse of my future to see if I’m on the right track. Just so that on those days where I feel like I have no idea where I’m headed, what I’m working towards or what I really WANT I can think of this image of myself and redirect my energy accordingly. Instead I go through this continual process of self-discovery. Now this is a good thing because every stage means I’m a step closer to this image that I so badly want a glimpse of. This process can be frustrating as well because it means I’m still in the cocoon. It means im still tossing and turning and in the early stages of becoming a butterfly. Oh how I so badly want to be a butterfly. I am only assuming life is better as a butterfly because i am in the challenging and not so glamorous catapillar stage. I have solely relied on my own wisdom to arrive at this conclusion. But then I am reminded of a wisdom far greater than my own. A wisdom which says that the plans for my life are prosperous and hopeful. Being in the cocoon sometimes makes you less trusting of this greater wisdom. In that cocoon reality has a way of intimidating, diluting, downscaling and sometimes even destroying dreams. My wisdom tell me I need to get a clear glimpse of my future to know that it’s there but the greater wisdom says that I need to trust that its there. Maybe the discomfort in the cocoon aka my twenties, comes from trying to rely on my own wisdom to get through and being that im only in my twenties, there’s not much to work with. Determination of self is impossible because I didn’t create myself. I didn’t tailor-make my capabilities or plant my desire to succeed or my vision or my talent. You can’t expect to know what you were made for without consulting the mastermind behind the masterpiece. I have come to the realization that my own wisdom makes me vulnerable to being misled because my wisdom tells me to reason in terms of reality and then my dreams and efforts reflect reality. My own wisdom would kill me in the cocoon or if I did manage to break out, make the colors on my wings less vibrant. the greater wisdom however is reality-proof, reliance on it is equivalent to life. So I’m in my twenties aka the cocoon but I have a sense of relief about the day I breakfree because it is predetermined, predestined and promises to be beautiful.”
—MINDMATTER (excuse any errors, had to get it all out)
One of my favorite things this year.
Dasha’s editor’s letter from Garage Magazine